If you've ever found yourself trying to reason with a child who is completely overwhelmed while you're also trying desperately to keep yourself calm, you're definitely not the only parent who has been there.
Parenting through big emotions is hard.
Your child may be yelling, crying, refusing to cooperate or melting down over something that seems incredibly small. Meanwhile, you're thinking, We've talked about this. Why is this happening again?
One thing that's helpful to remember is that emotional regulation is learned.
Kids aren't born knowing how to calm themselves
Children experience anger, disappointment, anxiety, jealousy, frustration and embarrassment just like adults do. The difference is that they don't necessarily have the skills yet to understand what's happening or know what to do with those feelings.
That's where adults can help.
Emotional regulation isn't about teaching children not to get angry or upset. Anger isn't a “bad” emotion, and neither are sadness, fear or frustration.
Instead, we want children to gradually learn:
I can have a really big feeling without letting that feeling decide everything I do next.
That's a skill many adults are still working on too.
Look underneath the behaviour
When a child's behaviour is difficult, it's very easy to focus entirely on stopping it.
Sometimes it's helpful to ask another question:
What's happening underneath this?
Anger might actually be embarrassment. Refusing school could be connected to anxiety. A meltdown after school could happen because a child has spent all day keeping themselves together and finally doesn't have much left.
That doesn't mean inappropriate behaviour should simply be accepted.
You can maintain a boundary while still acknowledging the emotion behind it.
“I understand that you're angry. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit.”
Both things can be true.
Regulate first, talk later
When children are extremely upset, that's usually not the best moment for a lecture.
They may need help getting calm enough to actually hear what you're saying.
Depending on your child, that could mean some quiet time, movement, slow breathing, sitting together, having a drink of water or simply having some space.
The conversation about what happened can come later.
Once everyone is calmer, you can talk about the trigger, what happened next and what your child could try differently if it happens again.
And then there's us — the parents
Children's emotions can trigger our emotions too.
You're trying to get everyone out the door. Someone can't find their shoes. Someone else suddenly needs something signed for school. You're already late and now your child is refusing to put on a coat.
It isn't always easy to respond calmly.
Sometimes emotional regulation in parenting starts with noticing our own warning signs.
I'm getting really frustrated.
My voice is getting louder.
I need a minute before I respond.
You won't get it right every time. Nobody does.
And when you don't, repair matters.
Saying, “I was frustrated and I yelled. I'm sorry. I should have handled that differently,” doesn't take away your authority as a parent. It shows your child what taking responsibility looks like.
You don't have to be a perfect parent
There is an enormous amount of parenting advice available, and sometimes it can leave parents feeling as though they're getting everything wrong.
I don't believe parents need another person pointing out all the things they should be doing better.
Sometimes you need someone to help you understand what's happening and figure out what might work differently for your child and your family.
At Anchor & Bloom Counselling, I support parents, children and families with emotional regulation, anxiety, communication, parenting challenges and everyday stress.
We can explore practical tools and strategies while also recognizing something important:
Parenting is hard sometimes.
You can love your child deeply and still feel overwhelmed by their behaviour. Both can be true.
This blog provides general educational information and is not a substitute for individualized mental health, medical or developmental assessment.
